A year ago on February 14th, 2015, I wrote a letter to my long lost love.
There was a point in my life where I would interact with you everyday. There was a point in my life where I would never think about the future without you in it. I woke up to you and went to sleep after sharing with you the deepest, darkest, and tenderest parts of me. There was a time when you and me went together like peanut butter and jelly. It was natural. It wasn't forced. I was comforted by your strokes and no matter what mode of communication we used, you got me. You read between the lines. You let me express myself in ways I had not yet learned to do in the open. You showed me parts of myself I was afraid to see. Over the years, we grew apart. I thought it was because I could not trust you. There was a disconnect. I felt unsure, insecure and our connection was severed. In reality it was not you who I could not trust. I realize now years later that I no longer trusted myself with you. I could not find the words. I was lost. Without you to guide me through the murky waters, I went off course.
Over the last few years, I’ve found myself waking up in a cold sweat reaching out for you. I reach for you, you answer, you are there, but there is silence. The words do not come as easily as they once did. The barrier is stronger than ever. Like a long distance call there is static on the line. Can you hear me? Do you still understand me? Can I still use you to escape?
But escaping is no longer part of the plan. No longer what I need nor what I desire. But I still desire you. There is something about us that I want to recreate, but I want- no, I need more than what we had. I want to escalate to new heights with you. Explore new universes with you. Create mini worlds with you. I want to reconnect with old friends with you and create lovers and solve world problems. With you, I want to be a brave superhero by day and a blossoming flower by night. With you, I want to free the slaves and erase the pain. With you, I want to heal the sick and mend the wounded. With you, I want to free minds and open up hearts. With you, I want to find a balance between structure and fluidity. I want our imaginations to become a reality. I know now what my 21 year old self did not. I cannot own or control you. I can only be...
Let's cut the formalities (you already know that's not my style).
Dear Writing, my love, my old companion, my muse, this is my public declaration to you. No longer will I stand in our way. No longer will I let fear lead me astray. To hell with the grammar Nazis and online trolls. Will you be mine? Will you dance with me under the stars. Will you float with me on clouds above the rain? Will you forgive me for deserting you? Will you take me back as yours? Will you once again be my partner in crime? Will you be mine? Can I be yours? Forever and always. Always and forever. That’s the way love goes. No longer do I want to bemiles away when we are so close. I want to erase the space and dream up magical realities in a majestic place.
Let’s not go back, let’s not move forward. Let’s embrace the unknown, forge a new trail, and let’s just be what it is we were meant to be.
Ubuntu: I am who I am because of who we are.
Esther was born in Utah, raised in Durham (Bull City), North Carolina. Over the last 6 years she has lived in 6 cities, 3 states, and 4 countries. She doesn't like traveling or anything...