This is an older piece of writing that I rediscovered on my old (currently unused) blog, When the Bird Flies. It's just very fitting in my life right now, so I want to share it here. Peace and love <3
What I felt in that moment was stronger than anything I had felt before and everything that I have felt since. It began, packed densely as a star about to burst, in a tiny spot behind my navel. But it carried like wildfire through my body and into my hair, which stood on end. How alive it made me feel to feel anything so deeply. In that moment, there was nothing else, no questions lingered. I was you, and we were truth, and we were truly living life in the way the powers at be intended us to. And it felt like magic, for everything to be so right. It was intoxicating. Divinity was wrapping its comforting arms around us. I could finally breathe with ease.
But moments are just that, and of course they pass. Time has its way, and as it carries on, so do we. With only a memory, one that seems to fade with increasing speed. Until that feeling, that in the moment was so strong, becomes nothing more than a whisper. Like a word on the tips of our tongues, we can’t quite place it. But it was there, we know that it was, that it existed. Didn’t it? I could have sworn the gods reached down and touched us, that the earth shook. But now I’m not even sure that you were real. Or that I was, for that matter. In this time, in this place, it’s hard for me to picture your face. Let alone remember what it felt like to be loved by you. Maybe it’s a case of my brain protecting me, selective memory. So that I’m not left here longing for something I can never have again. Or maybe it was nothing, and I was a fool to think otherwise.
We never really can tell, standing here looking back – whether things were wrong or right. That’s the thing with this life. Even in hindsight, everything’s an illusion. A product of our individual perspectives and biases and wishful thinking. Life is but a dream, there are no consequences when you pull yourself back far enough to see properly. We are nothing but a speck in a cloud of dust kicked up by humanity’s reckless feet. We are a sparkle in the eye of the universe, and in a blink, as we were created, we will be destroyed. It sounds extreme, and it may be, but so it is. Today does not exist when tomorrow comes. If it ever does. We will not be here to remember, even faintly, these times that now we rack our brains about, driving ourselves insane trying to figure out what it is we are supposed to be doing. Nobody will be.
That’s not to say that nothing should matter, now, because some day it won’t. That would leave life feeling empty, when in fact it is incredibly full. Because we know that these moments will pass and their impact on our existence will be less that we would like to think, we should cherish them while we can. If we let ourselves go in each moment, freeing ourselves from the ghastly grip of anxiety over what’s to come, we can turn ourselves into putty in its hands. Allowing the weight of now to press its imprint through our skin, and into our souls. Eternalizing what will pass in an instant. This is the best we can do, if we want to make our lives matter. We can trulyfeel them, marvel in their mystery and intensity, until one day we can’t.
Chicago-born citizen of the globe, rich in the things that really matter. Let's get weird.